Mindful
by naomisma
Summary: This story is about the son of Neville Longbottom, as he goes through a long year of personal growth. The desertion of his redheaded love and the journey to self acceptance, experience his mind and soul. Takes place 4th, 5th , and 6th year. Gay romance between OC and Fred.W son of George.W.
1. Chapter 1

This is the first work that I will publish on , I hope it's not to bad. I'm not a very good writer but the story is hopefully engaging enough. I wrote a song that my protagonist sings in this prologue. I don't own harry potter that credit goes to J.K Rowling.

_**Flash back/Flashforward**_

Current moment or present time

_Thoughts _

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"_**The lights on me and I can't, the feeling is unlike anything you can imagine. Looking at all those souls there to support me, to hear my creation! To support my dream! It's frightening collided with bliss, the shaking my... my body the energy coursing through my veins. It was my dream to perform. That school held nothing for me. Me leaving could of been done better, it'd be daft of me to think I didn't cause you pain when I left. I don't regret leaving, it's not in me." I poured myself into these words. My heart hammering in my chest, I fear for what's next. The look on the face before me can make or break me. Those warm brown eyes are full of emotion, I suppose mine are as well. I've been told I take after those eyes, those eyes storm before me. It's been year awaiting this moment, I suppose the longest year of my life. Thoughts of the past year shoot through my mind. **_

Nights have always been my favorite thing. It's at the end of the day, the curtains drawn for a moment before a new scene. I turn my head to peer into the walls that have been my solace these past five years. Four beds each surrounding by personal differences, One neat tidy desk top. Another bed surrounded by chaos, Clothes and belongings strew about. Next to an almost equal twin but slightly neater. My eyes land on my area, bare of my remenience. Bare like the first day we were introduced. The sleeping figures naive to the presence slipping through the window. I decided two months before the end of my 5th year to take a chance and leave it all behind. I prepared for a week and in the middle of the night my life was in my hands. I was a fifteen year old riddled with fear into a new journey. I had my belongings charmed to be able to fit my knapsack. Wand in the sleeve of my maroon knit sweater, my legs clad in high waisted light blue jeans. My Blond hair loose down my collar bone, my grey eyes drowning in the motions. Apparating to the closest apparition point to the airport in the muggle world. For a pureblood I had intensive knowledge of the muggle world. Having people close to me being muggleborn, and my family not holding typical pureblood beliefs. I was bound for the states, specifically the city of New york. The plane ride was long, torture filled. I fell to the ground apparating in an ally. I stood wincing at the scraps on the palms of my hands. The light posts shone the weathered side walks. The sound of traffic is in the distance, I walk out of the ally and start my walk to the airport. It's not a long walk but to me that night it felt like I would never make it. Boarding the plane was the beginning of my dismal mood. Tormented was my mind, ever so filled with what I was leaving behind. Landing in the lincoln airport the sunlight easing my thoughts. Here in the big apple a place where dreams are made amongst it's tattered streets. This was the start of my journey home. Home is a place that makes you safe and happy, it's a place that to some is where family lay. Home for me is what I was about to create, what I was about to delve into. Can you blame me for taking a risk? This was not a decision of impulse, of course I was insane to do what I did. But then again it takes an insane mind to attempt the unthinkable, to scour the unknown and take a chance. The danger's crossed my mind time and time again, I cannot stress how this was not a spur of the moment leap.

I breathed in the polluted air of New York, I won't say it was pretty for what city is. The air denser than that of my previous place of inhabitant. The people crass, haggard, or pompous. Nature has no place in a city like this, it's a place that's far from the green pastures of scotland. Trash litter every which way, it sure was hard to get used to. I did eventually thankfully my mothers hard will I like to think I inherited. That first day I shook with anxiety, I won't lie a part of me wanted to go back. I played my heart out on the corner of Maiden lane that day, I sung and strung the strings of my guitar. I made forty two dollars and sixty seven cents. I used it to rent a room in a dingy motel two blocks away from that spot. I didn't sleep that night, sleep must if evaded me for weeks. Each day I played in different corners, different streets. I meet men in huge wigs impersonating women, I saw from afar a busy broadway night. I found a place where I belonged in a small club courtesy of a drag queen one evening. She heard me strum away and she saw something in me. I must say I did not expect for a six foot tall man in a wig to start my career.

The club was two weeks and a day into my arrival in the big city. The establishment, It was called Lilith's kiss after the owners sister. The club had all sorts of patrons the foot traffic was good during the nights being so close the fifth avenue. I got to play my songs that's what mattered to me the most. Magic was still a part of my life I lived in an abandoned building off in brooklyn that I charmed and warded to keep out of site. I didn't spend to much time there however, most of my time I dedicated to my dream. The club had a sultry feel to it on most nights, they did hold events where it was more of a campy atmosphere with quirky performers and activities. When you entered you were greeted by light grey wooden floors, the lights dimmed through out. The stage sat in the center but to reach the stage you had to climb down a spiral staircase. The room upstairs is were everyone prepared. I won't go into too much unnecessary detail of the looks of the club. On the night that I met my manager claire I sung a song my mother wrote and never finished. It was called " Home".

_I never feared the light of day,_

_I never said Id fly today,_

_Down this road that mares my life,_

_Here I go I'm gonna survive,_

_My soul is my own,_

_No one holds my oath,_

_My heart will glide and I will survive,_

_I'm as tall as a mountain,_

_I roar with the trees,_

_Out my lips I scream and I breathe,_

_My journey is here,_

_My journey is now,_

_My feet will not heed,_

_The dreams are my steed,_

_I never feared the light of day,_

_I never said I'd fly today,_

_Down this road that mares my life,_

_Here I go I'm gonna survive,_

_My soul is my own,_

_No one holds my oath,_

_My heart will glide and I will survive,_

_The darkness that seeps in my mind,_

_Voices of heat that I will subside,_

_Home is a place that I will create,_

_Home is a dream that we can't escape,_

_I wish to belong in world of my own,_

_Into fruition my land I will go,_

_I never feared the light of day,_

_I never said Id fly today,_

_Down this road that mares my life,_

_Here I go I'm gonna survive,_

_My soul is my own,_

_No one holds my oath,_

_My heart will glide and I will survive,_

The song was not loved by the crowd all that much, in the front seat before my eyes. There she sat, Claire looked into my eyes with such an intense look. It was as if she saw me, she saw into me. That song I chose for the club was more dead than usual. It was far from perfect but she took it in and she drew me in with her honeyed words. I like to think she was sincere, she was the next person to push me further. I will forever be grateful to the people who got me to where I am.

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Thank you for reading, I will be updating this story as frequently as I can. Please leave comments and I'd love some input. :)


	2. Chapter 2

At times I escape to a place in mind, it's the one place that I feel safe from the world. I don't always go there on purpose but I can't help it when it happens. In my mind I can be who I dreamed I could be. The haze of being in your head most of the time is a blissful feeling, the disconnect from your surroundings. All I hear is the praise of my hard work, I hear the change I've made in people's lives. I can't help the stupid grin that appears on my face, bringing emotion to a yet blank canvas. Have you ever wondered why humans are the way they are, does the truth matter as it's already subjective. The world to misfortune begins with the parting of lips, the release of the uncontrolled tongue.

"Mr. Longbottom! My class is not your bed, yet I need to remind you time and time!"

The voice pierced the bubble which now gone placing me before an angry Professor. I always hated how her voice shrieked as if she's breaking a siren, my classmates turn to look at the interaction. How I hated these situations, people thrive on others discord. Shit I haven't responded I thought, What is there to say she had a point.

" I suppose you haven't realized the futile attempt to reprimand me?"

My professor stares at me in newfound anger.

" Detention , I will not tolerate that kind of disrespect as you should know! How the son of one of our own teacher has this sort of attitude I can't comprehend. Your father I know has taught you not to speak back to your elders!"

Ah, my father once more. Neville Longbottom the proud herbalist who fought alongside the golden trio. My mother how I miss her, She was a malfoy. Odd that a blood traitor and a pureblood bigot get together it's beyond me but it's a story that I love. It shows the possibilities that humans have, the possibility to change.

" I'm sorry mam, I was out of line, I'll serve the detention no complaints."

Trivial was that conversation that day, What my teacher didn't know was that I wouldn't be here to serve that detention but then again neither did I. The halls bustle as I float by, I see two 4th years kissing near the door to the great hall. My mother was a slytherin and my father was a gryffindor. Myself? Well I was a ravenclaw originally but that changed now I adorn the colors my father proudly wore in his school days.

" For someone so smart you sure are an idiot, What have I told you about speaking without thinking?"

I Look up at the redhead that appeared before me, this bastard gets taller everytime I see him I swear. Fred weasley son of George weasley, Fred was my dorm mate. He stood at 5'10 with the famous weasley red hair. Myself 5'2 with the infamous malfoy blonde hair.

" That I should be honest and say what's on my mind as honesty is the best policy?"

Fred snorted but smiled.

" Stop tantalizing your teachers shay"

"I'm not"

"You are"

"How so?"

"Shay stop being a bloody git and listen to me for once!"

Fred was someone that held me down, he had a hand on my soul. I can't help the warmth that spreads through me as I catch a the smell of sandalwood and sun along with what could only be described as Fred. One of the hardest things was to leave him, I don't even know how to face him. How do I face him? Or my father? How do I face everyone I left behind? I must of made myself sick with these thoughts throughout that year.

"Fred I can promise not to but we both know it's an empty pact with no substance"

"Your right, Your to dense to change once you float into that head having you face reality with interest and tact is like asking a chicken to cook it's own egg"

I fell in love with the wind the day I met Fred, I was singing alone at the back of the bookstore not far from the leaky cauldron. He came up to me, I was looking for a book that had sad themes. I wanted inspiration, I wanted to feel the human struggle.

"What you looking for?" He asked as he stood to my right

" Something depressing" I replied

" W-what? Why?" he chuckled I suppose in shock

" For the emotional investment" I looked at him and I didn't think much

"I'm Fred Weasley, you are?"

" Shay Longbottom, a pleasure."

I read my book under the clouds, the wind that day took me to a beautiful place. It's carese on my body illuminating the scape in my mind, it calmed the waves that beat the shoreline enabling me to think. Human should be closer to nature, you find lessons amongst the flowers and bees. To be in touch with the life that surrounds you is a feeling I missed. I didn't have that during my journey.

Fred I'm sorry, Really I am…


	3. Chapter 3

I only own my OC, Harry Potter is J.K Rowling's masterpiece.

_Response and thoughts _

Regular

**Flashback/flash forward**

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" The desire to know your own soul will end other desires? What does that even mean?"

At the sound of the voice behind me I jump, This redhead sure knows how to try my nerves.

It was the end of class, potions to be exact. I have a love hate relationship with the subject. I'm neither good or bad at it, I'm not like my mother. She was second to the well known golden girl Mrs. Granger, my father was known for his infamous failures as the course was to taxing on his nerves. My mother tutored my father, their story is one for another time. What I do love is the smile that spreads over him when he retells the ballad that is The Blood traitor and the pure princess. That's the name I gave it which my father thinks is corny but I love the name.

" I'm not sure Fred"

" So you just wrote it down intensely might I add and you don't know what it means?" his scoff made me smile

" Well Fred I task you to figure it out, your great at riddles I'm sure you'd find an interpretation."

I pack my things and leave the dungeons, the air around me shifts. I start to get the beats in my step, I can't help it. It might be moronic but I could care less. At times I can't stop the spring in my step it's like a switch in my mood. That switch is flipped by inspiration, by sound.

I decided to skip lunch that day, The day I decided to leave. The notion of leaving only occured to me because I felt lost. I sat by the lake hidden from view and I spoke to myself. Sometimes the greatest friend you can have is yourself. I like to think that everyone talks to themselves, I can't be the weird one out. It started to rain but I warded myself to keep the rain off and stay dry. In my hand I hold a mirror that belonged to my mother, I tend to look at it when conversing with myself. I like to make silly faces while I converse, a tad childish.

" Does it rain inside my space?"

_It weeps at the chains clasped around its face_

"Will the mirror show my soul?"

_Your reflection like the truth is subjective_

" Fate sure is fickle"

_Life spills and trickles_

" Ain't that the truth"

"**Shay!" shouts the voice of a woman in a grey blazer and black jeans.**

"**Five minutes to showtime!" **

**My heart raced at the count down, I could feel my blood pumping as I hear the screams and lights were flickering on the other side of the coutain, Four months ago this was all just a dream. Four months ago I arrived in new york, strumming on the corner streets. **

" **Shay, it's showtime!"**

**My feet carry me to the mic on stage my face was beaming.**

" **How is everybody doing tonight!" **

**The response was femnominal.**

The rain pouring, it's such a wonderful sound eases the most troubling of things. It tells the story of natures rejuvenation.

_If I could breath _

_The world wouldn't bleed_

_The tears on my sleeve _

_And the scars on my check ,_

_They all tell the same,-thing _

" Mother What would say? What would you do if I ran away?" It was a stupid question that made me click. It wasn't supposed to mean anything or lead to anything. I didn't even think when I said it. Even alone I could never speak about the stress of my heart. My heart yearned for someone who may never return the sentiment, why would a man desire a boy. Fibers of my core strum to the beat of my unspoken dream. Heavy on my heart is my father, alone with only me. I wish he would remarry, being the only other Longbottom meant I needed to keep the line going if he never settles down and starts anew.

_Words murmur into my ear_

_Whispers of october the chill is near_

_Oh tell me , oh tell me baby , tell me that you will never _

_Never will you hold against me never will you try to go against me_

_Tell me your here , hold my hand, whisper your tears onto the land_

I want to know how I feel, I want to just be able to take what I desire.

" Why shouldn't I ?"

Selfishness bore into me as I felt a surge of excitement at the prospect of shattering the mirror of what was me. To pull out from the ruins the person who looked through the looking glass.

By the lake the fire in me was sparked , it had yet to be a roaring flame. I went to the Gryffindor common room, waiting for me was a scarlet waves.

" I take it you have not the slightest idea as to what time it is?"

Shit I didn't realize how late it was I floated by the perfects surprisingly.

" Your face says it all"

I blink at him

"Idiot"

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If you've read this far thank you!


	4. Chapter 4

Don't own Harry Potter only own shay my oc, Rights to J.K Rowling

**Flashback**

_Thoughts_

normal

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I can't help but think that one day I'll have my arch door made of oak. The laughter of innocent joy in a place I call my own, Besides me by my side he is.

_If you give me what I want, then I'll give you what you like_

Some nights my friend was a bottle of gin with a cigar, that jin turned into vodka, the cigar into a blunt. The fade to escape became a habit, The stars in my eyes made me ask how the story in my theater will play out, will he take the chance to hold me in exchange for a smoke. I wanted to forget with the lights off. Someday the scene will end weather its love I have no idea.

The vice breaks my back, treat me in a way that makes all think your my hero and not the one who made me fall.

_When you treat me like that , I only get stronger_

The smoke leaving my lips takes the sunlight, it highlights my lips. My eyes want to run , get away.

**Smiling alone in the windowsill of a cabin in maine, my right leg folded into me as my left dangs outside the window.**

Memories here have always been my favorite. It was like the movies, the christmas dinners, the socks on the mantel, their red velvet shape full with chocolate heaven.

**Your hands hold my soul, take me to rome, bring down the sky. **

**Don't make me say now**

**I don't want to say it now**

**There's nothing more to say now**

**Don't tell me to be kind**

**I don't deserve to feel unwind**

**There's nothing more to say **

Here you are when I close my eyes Fred, is it sinful to pretend to dance in the dark with you. Is it bad to want you to open me up , see the me raw in horrid truth. Run your hands through my hair, tug my strands pull my abysmal sea.

" Do you remember that night Fred?"

" Way to be specific I Remember it all, may 4th to be exact…"

" Bloody hell Fred.."

" Don't ask stupid questions then"

" Do you remember looking at the sunrise, we lost our shoes at the worst timing, the holiday festival was just underway. We fell feet first into the lake, I love that day."

" I found nature in your lips, the recital had a wonderful symphony"

"Excuse me?"

Fred's brown eyes bore into mine, I swear this idiot makes the strangest comments.

" You know fred sometimes I can't analyze you."

" Dense is the mind of a genius on his britches."

I stopped my reading and stared at the red head across from me. He was eating cinnamon crust, His eyes were on the piece of food between his two fingers.

"What does that even mean Weasley, you don't know half the crap that leaves that trap you call a mouth"

I picked up my book and headed out the great hall, I wanted to get the first shower before bed in the dorm. The walk flew by as my head was once again transported. I dumped my bag on the bed and grabbed a black button down made of polyester, and a pair of khaki shorts. The shower felt great, water cascaded down my body in spiritual ease. The scent of strawberries and green tea wafted around the bathroom as I lathered my body. Washing away the day and its energy, the purification at the end of the day to be clean and alive the next. My eyes close as my mind conscious goes into a corner, I start to hum. I tend to get lost in these things, I tend to let my curiosity run wild. The sensation of callous fingertips make me sigh, The thought of being held and

Carresses by the hands of my childhood friend. Is it unholy of me to feel the bite on my ear, to feel the flutter of the wings in my heart. These thoughts are poison, I screw with the thought that I'm a liability to Fred. I'm a toy to the grimmy fingers of a chaotic child, like many toys my life slams me to the ground.

"Shay! Hurry up! I need to sleep so get out before I break down this door!"

His voice, my voice where did it go. My back presses to the tile behind me, he tugs at my seams. I turn off the water with a blank stare, I let the water drip down my skin. My soul walks out wetting the floor with my feet. I slam open the door after wrapping a towel around my chest. My wet hair thrown over my left shoulder, The steam rushes out pulling the scents of my shampoo and wash, slamming them into my dorm mates. Red chest hair is what I notice first, My eyes look up only to be put into submission. The eyes are the window to the soul and I think I might of caught a peak behind Fred's curtain.

" You smell nice, There better be hot water Shay"

The peak was just a peak, Fred, I'd like to say I knew you but you never know anyone.

" If there's not?"

" You better hope there is I don't tolerate over indulgence of a naughty child."

With that Fred strides into the bathroom leaving me to meet the eyes of our dormate Rue Malfoy. His piercing blue eyes slithered up and down my form, Rue is a story in himself.

"Oi, Pervert! Your not making yourself any straighter looking at me like that."

I smirked at the annoyed expression that took place on Rues face. His blonde hair was shaved close, He was a tall muscular beater for the Gryffindor quidditch team.

" You shouldn't make comments that'll cost you your dignity hun"

"My dignity?"

" Your too prideful for your own good bottom , I could offer a strong hand to guide that fire."

" I'm sure you can but would I drop to my knees and ditch my mind?"

" Huh?"

" Sorry Malfoy your not getting hitched"

" Ha Ha ha…."

His eye roll was confirmation that the conversation was over and so was my time in a towel.

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I listen to music while I write and they inspire me again I don't own Harry Potter leave comments please and thank you. I haven't updated in a while because my aunt is visiting from Puerto rico, I love her so much. Her cheesecake is the best, I love homemade sweets.


	5. Chapter 5

Don't own Harry Potter only own shay my oc, Rights to J.K Rowling

I wonder if you ever feel what goes on in my mind fred, I wonder if you ever knew how my heart would skip a beat at the rasp of your voice. Aimlessly I walked down the corridor, the air smelled of dew on the castle walls. I had to go into my world once more. That world where it all fades out, I am on my own, encased in a bubble. You know your laugh gets me going, it's the sound of those lungs of yours, how the sound is music to my ears. I've been waiting by this window sill. Hanging my body out, staring at the sky, I know behind the clouds and the rain that soaks my skin. I know as the watery feel drips down my skin on my face, that behind these drops that the sky cries down. Behind the greyed masked that behind that grey the sun and the stars they still lay behind. Only forever is there hope inside if I decide to make it so. Have you any idea the impact you have on my soul?

" You know I don't think that's the smartest thing to do shay."

That voice, how it propels me back into reality,

" You know I don't think redheaded gingers are supposed to wear pink, isn't that against your color palette?" I used my thighs to keep my body from falling out the window, my hands grasp the cold stone of the window arch as I pull myself forward. My hair clinging to my face, my shirt soaked through, my fingers hurt. How did I not realize how cold they were.

" Your seriously going to go with that remark? Come on shay what's wrong?"

Those eyes of his, so sincere it's like I remember seeing them when I close my eyes. I get a flash of those eyes and how just two nights ago I saw something I have never seen. It was like looking into his soul. I laughed.

"What's so funny?" Fred grasped my chin and made me look into his eyes.

Shit, I laughed out loud at the thought of how childish and young I sounded in my scape of the mind.

" What makes you think something's wrong, can't I enjoy the healing of the rain on my day off?" I swat his hand away from my chin and get up to move take a step towards my dresser. I was cold. I needed a dry shirt.

" Shay."

" Yes?" I continued in my pursuit of a shirt, I knew the madness he caused me.

" Would you call on me Shay?"

His question made me pause. How do you respond to something like that.

" I haven't the slightest idea why I would need to."

" Don't act naive you know what I mean, If you need something you know I'm here."

He left me standing there, Fred I wish I had monopoly over your mind, you make it hard to breathe. It's in those moments that my lips taste like love, to myself it feels wrong. It's like he makes my insides react.

" Oi! Is that my shirt!" came the voice of Malfoy.

I turn around the shirt clinging to my body, my hair wet and curled framing my face, my eyes hazy. The rain it's healing but it also makes me tired.

" Considering you left it on my side of the room it's mine now Malfoy."

I loved seeing this kid fume, I know deep down he wants me to take it off. Our banter makes me feel the tension always, just makes it even more fun.

" I need a warm shower." I start my way to the shared bathroom. I pass Rue who seems to have now came up with something to say.

"You know keep taking and not giving and folks going to say your taking advantage of poor me."

" An your suggestion oh poor Rue Malfoy?"

"How about you be a good bottom and give daddy back his shirt?"

I smirked

" Ok your choice."

I peeled the shirt off and threw it soaked at his face and slammed the bathroom door.

" OI! I MEANT DRY AND CLEAN!"

I ignored him as I looked at the mirror, I loved myself. I had my mother's plump bottom lip. My mother's eyes, and hair. I wonder if you love yourself fred.

I let myself drift off to my world. A warm shower just what I need.


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